G.I. JOE : The Rise of Cobra

Huns, Visigoths, man-eating aliens, four skeletons on flying horses, whatever. Bring it.


  

There is a God.

And his name is Will Arnett.

It’s an oldy, but still awesome.

There Really is No God. Really.

One need not look any further for indisputable proof that there is no God, no heaven, or great purpose for humankind than the comments on YouTube.

Absolut Suck

Although they are all some sort of affront to my childhood, I could probably watch the recent Transformers movies, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, or GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra and get through them reasonably unscathed. But when I saw this Absolut commercial that uses a version of New Order’s almost sacred Ceremony, I was gutted.

It’s like a bad chemical company’s PR commercial. I expected a sweaty-pitted Tilda Swinton to make an appearance at the conclusion of this northern Californian utopian pile of poo. I’m not sure what came first -- the band’s sell out or the ad agency’s buy out -- but some things in this world should/must remain untouchable by commerce or commercialism.

Absolut, suck it. New Order (now no longer), if you’re going to allow this shit to happen, then let Rock Band do it’s thing and reintroduce you and Joy Division to a new younger audience. Or at least allow us older folks to pretend to be you... before you sold out.

The Watchmen

Sucked.

I never read the comicbook series, so before I saw it (compliments of Netflix’s new Blu-ray service), I thought “It’ll probably suck, but I bet the original comics were good and their integrity will remain unscathed.” But after that 3-hour-plus dog’s dinner I witnessed, I’m not so sure.

There were a couple of interesting and deeply disturbed characters, The Comedian and Rorschach. But an all-powerful glowing blue Chelsea go-go dancer who can do just about anything except have a personality? A reclusive loser Batman wanna-be? And a heroine who’s only noticeable super power is home-wrecking? All involved in a nauseating love triangle? All existing in an alternate universe even crappier than this one? Who gives a shit?

Not me.

   

Microsoft Apologizes

Read PC World article.

This kind of stupidity makes me wonder why a company like Microsoft doesn’t have it’s own stock library. Duh.

Microsoft’s Photoshop & Diversity Skills

Click for larger image

Suck. I guess Asians are allowed, or they just couldn’t “fix” that one.

Courtesy of Engadget

The Difference Between the Chinese and Korean Male Species:

Korean male species.

Chinese male species.

A Korean guy would’ve thrown his wife overboard, then jumped in after her so they could both drown together.

Yerrow Peebah

Webzines, blogs, boards, have recently been inundated with the “Asian girls and white guys” subject (even Marie-F’n-Claire contributed), but most have been big steaming piles of disappointment; unsubstantial and anemic without facts nor insight. Just a selection of angry or upset people wiping their asses on their keyboards and deeming it worthy because they possess a title, an opinion and an upload button.

But then I found this... and it made me smile.

John Hughs, Dead

To the man who brought us The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Long Duk Dong: thanks for the laughs, and go fuck yourself.

Click here for a more eloquent version.

Wall Street Jiu-Jitsu

Watch as this big drunk fool gets his come-uppins when he picks on a little* Korean guy who happens to know Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. The full story involves the drunk fool making remarks about Koreans (his wife apparently one), and our hero walking away with a nice cash settlement.

I love the doorman’s (in)actions and how the tennants walk by totally unconcerned. Somebody should get Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg to do play-by-play for this...

* smaller in comparison to his opponent; the brother is 5'6"/180lbs and was on a late night ice cream run

The Last Dragon

Variety says Bruce Lee’s family have just okayed a three-part biopic on their late brother, the first part scheduled to be released on what would’ve been his 70th birthday.

Apparently Bruce’s bro and sis have been extremely disappointed by the 36 years worth of Bruce Lee “biographies”, so they are looking forward to seeing a more accurate depiction of his life. Ain’t they ever seen Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story? SO REAL!

For those who are new to this blog (or to me), please take that last statement with a grain of this.

Obi-wan: “That boy is our last hope.”

Yoda: “No. There is another.”

Eastwood and the Slumdog

I recently saw both Danny Boyle’s Oscar winning Slumdog Millionaire and Clint Eastwood’s Gran Torino, and unfortunately neither lived up to their respective hypes.

In fact, I found it amazing that Slumdog won the big prize, but considering both the Academy’s temperament and the giant poop-shoot that was 2008 in film (ie., 10,000 BC, Righteous Kill, Valkyrie) I guess it makes sense. I do commend Mr. Eastwood’s attempt to spotlight the little known Hmong people and using them exclusively in his cast. But when the car delivers the best supporting performance, it ain’t good.

The Endurance to Persevere

Great article on the Korean Forrest Gump, Park Ji-sung, his influence on football, Korea, and on underdogs everywhere:

From the NYTimes:
The Endurance to Persevere
Park Ji-sung, Manchester United’s tireless South Korean midfielder, is expected to become the first Asian player to participate in the European Champions League final. Read

Match time is 2:45pm EST, Wednesday.

Speaking of Van Damme...

What made the biggest impressions were the prices at the cinema ($12.50 admission, $6 small popcorn, $4 bottled water, then followed by – I swear to God — pleas for charity donations). However, it had bright spots, ie. the casting of Karl Urban as Dr. McCoy and his eventual performance. But in the end, they were dimmed by such things as Eric Bana’s dimensionless dimension-traveler, and John Cho’s Kumarless Harold in space.

JJ Abrams claimed that this movie would change everything you knew about the Star Trek universe, and that “The Future Begins”, but speaking of Van Damme, checkout JCVD (on Netflix). It actually will change what you know about ol’ Jean-Claude. But before this newfound respect for him is born within, let’s take a journey back to put into perspective how incredible his recent accomplishment truly is...

Ever Heard of Photoshop?

Look! Up in the sky...
It’s a bird!
It’s a plane!

It’s... an asshead.

The Kowalski Addendumb

Whether this idiot Betty Brown is possibly a writer for 24 is debatable (see Kowalski), however her comment is truly moronic if not despicable (even for Texas). I mean really, how hard is Lee, Kim, Chen, or even Ko?...

but “Ramey” is kinda gay.

...

Frantic 911 Call: “My Wife Is Biting Me!”
Listen to the 911 call

Korea Loses

The WBC Championship game between Korea and Japan was at least close, but in the uniform and—as my wife kept reminding me—the “good-looking” department: not so much.

After the game, I put a bag over my head and went to bed.

The Koreans of the West

Man, can you imagine if there was an equivalent to St. Patrick’s Day for Korean-American’s (Like a St. Kim’s or Lee’s Day)?! It’d be just like any other anger-filled Friday/Saturday night in K-Town—but with greater purpose and without accountability.

Pray the Vatican also comes to this realization before any future canonizing.

The Irish of the East

Here’s an old article from the Joong-An Daily paralleling the “Celtic Tiger” (now, not so much) and Korea’s economic hopes. The interesting part is how it touches on the similarities of both peoples, and how we Koreans are considered the “Irish of the East.”

As long as we’re not referred to as the “Idiot Irish-Americans on St. Patrick’s Day of the East”...

Kowalski

I remember reading somewhere that Black Ops guys frequently use obscure names like “Kowalski” to remain anonymous. I guess the Pentagon has yet to realize that the entire Korean race comes in only four surnames. But I digress:

Whenever there’s an Asian guy on 24 (very infrequently and usually used as cannon fodder), they always have Anglo surnames. In last night’s episode, the Asian park ranger who gets killed was referred to as “Ranger Thompson”. Even Lost’s Daniel Dae Kim played “Agent Tom Baker” and I even recall one brother named “McCreary”. I’d like to see his own mother give that one a go.

A Tale of Two Stupids

It was the dumbest of times.

It was the dumbester of times.

The Chaser

Maybe it’s because I’m racially biased, or because I’m a fatalistic mofo, but Korean cinema never ceases to impress me these days. Last year’s The Chaser (Chu-gyeog-ja) is the best crime thriller I've seen since Seven. But it’s not a who-dun-it, but a where-be-the-lotion-rubbing-fat-girl-in-the-pit. Good luck to Warner Bros (currently remaking it) finding folks who can match the performances in this original, particularly by Kim Yoon-suk (above, left). But the cellphone problem that the killer went to great lengths to create could easily be translated into U.S. vernacular by just giving all the victims AT&T powered iPhones.

It’s intensely brutal and emotionally exhausting, but there’s a commentary on women carried through the story that I found revitalizing. And this is Na Hong-jin’s directorial debut, so I also saw a bright future of more kick-ass movies.

Stick to K-Town

I’m sure you all remember the meat protests in Seoul this past summer. See, we Koreans take eating and anger manifestation almost as seriously as drinking alcohol and self-loathing.

So my dream is to invite a group of Koreans to this new “Korean” restaurant Moim in Park Slope, Brooklyn and watch them level the place in sheer simian-like rage after being told that: the ban-chan wasn’t free, egg is not included in their bi-bim-bap (an extra $1.50 on top of the original $16), they couldn’t grill their own meat at the table, and yes, we put tomato paste in the kim-chi chi-gae.

I’ve heard that Moim has received several good reviews. This convinces me that either the idiot from that NYTimes article (previous posting) has something to do with them, or that there’s some SERIOUS oral sex being given reciprocally.

Maybe I should’ve ordered that.